# How to Tell Your Partner You Want to Spend Less Time Scrolling and More Time Living
The glow of a smartphone screen illuminates your face as you sit next to your partner on the couch. They’re scrolling through their feed while you’re doing the same. You’re physically together, but mentally miles apart. This scene has become all too familiar in modern relationships. If you’re feeling the weight of this disconnect and want to have a conversation with your partner about reducing screen time, you’re not alone. Many couples are recognizing that constant digital engagement is eroding the quality of their relationships, and they’re taking steps to change it.
The challenge isn’t just recognizing the problem. It’s finding the right words to bring it up without sounding judgmental, controlling, or like you’re attacking your partner’s habits. This is a delicate conversation that requires thoughtfulness, honesty, and a genuine desire to improve your relationship together.
## Understanding Why This Conversation Matters
Before you sit down to talk with your partner, it’s important to understand why this conversation is so valuable. Social media and digital devices have fundamentally changed how we interact with the people closest to us. The constant pull of notifications, the endless scroll of content, and the comparison trap that social media creates can slowly erode the intimacy and connection that makes relationships thrive.
When couples spend excessive time on their phones, they miss out on the small moments that build emotional connection. They miss the chance to really listen to each other, to make eye contact, to have spontaneous conversations that lead somewhere meaningful. Over time, this can create a sense of loneliness even when you’re together. You might feel like your partner isn’t fully present with you, or you might recognize that you’re not fully present with them either.
The good news is that research shows even brief digital detoxes can significantly improve relational satisfaction and emotional understanding. Couples who intentionally limit their screen time report feeling more connected, more understood, and more satisfied in their relationships. This isn’t about eliminating technology entirely. It’s about being intentional with how you use it and protecting the time you have together.
## Preparing Yourself for the Conversation
The first step in having this conversation is to get clear on your own motivations and feelings. Why do you want to spend less time scrolling? Is it because you feel disconnected from your partner? Are you noticing that your own mental health is suffering when you’re constantly on your phone? Do you miss the quality time you used to have together? Do you feel like your partner is more engaged with their phone than with you?
Take some time to reflect on these questions. Write down specific examples of times when you felt frustrated or sad about the amount of screen time in your relationship. Maybe it’s during dinner when you both used to talk but now you’re both looking at your phones. Maybe it’s bedtime when you’d like to have intimate conversations but instead you’re both scrolling. Maybe it’s weekend mornings when you could be enjoying coffee together but instead you’re each in your own digital world.
Understanding your own feelings will help you communicate more clearly and authentically. It will also help you avoid sounding accusatory. This conversation isn’t about blaming your partner for being on their phone too much. It’s about expressing your own needs and desires for more connection.
## Choosing the Right Time and Place
Timing is everything when it comes to difficult conversations. You don’t want to bring this up when your partner is stressed, tired, or in a bad mood. You also don’t want to bring it up in the middle of an argument about something else. Choose a time when you’re both calm, relatively relaxed, and have some privacy.
The best time is often when you’re already having quality time together. Maybe it’s during a walk, or sitting on the porch, or during a meal where you’ve both put your phones away. The irony of having this conversation during a phone-free moment isn’t lost, but it actually sets the right tone. It shows that you’re willing to practice what you’re asking for.
Avoid bringing this up over text or through a message. This conversation deserves to happen face to face where you can see each other’s expressions and respond to tone and body language. It also avoids the risk of your message being misinterpreted or your partner feeling attacked without the chance to respond immediately.
## Starting the Conversation with Honesty and Vulnerability
When you’re ready to have the conversation, start by being honest about your own feelings. Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. Instead of saying “You’re always on your phone,” try saying “I feel disconnected when we’re both scrolling on our phones.” This approach is less likely to put your partner on the defensive.
Share specific examples of times when you’ve felt this disconnect. Be vulnerable about how it makes you feel. Maybe you feel lonely, or sad, or like your partner doesn’t care about spending time with you. These are real emotions, and expressing them honestly will help your partner understand the depth of what you’re experiencing.
You might say something like: “I’ve been thinking about our relationship lately, and I’ve noticed that we spend a lot of time together but we’re often on our phones. I miss feeling really connected to you. I miss having conversations where we’re both fully present. I know I do this too, and I’m not trying to blame you. I just want us to find a way to be more present with each other.”
This opening accomplishes several things. It expresses your feelings without blame. It acknowledges that this is a shared issue, not just your partner’s problem. It shows that you’re willing to take responsibility for your own phone use. And it clearly states what you want: more presence and connection.
## Listening to Your Partner’s Perspective
After you’ve shared your feelings, give your partner space to respond. They might have their own feelings about phone use in your relationship. They might feel defensive at first, and that’s okay. Listen without interrupting. Try to understand their perspective.
Your partner might use their phone as a way to cope with stress or anxiety. They might feel like they need to stay connected to work or to their social circle. They might not have realized how much their phone use was affecting you. They might have their own feelings about wanting more connection but didn’t know how to bring it up.
By listening to their perspective, you’re showing respect and creating space for a real dialogue rather than a lecture. This is a conversation, not a confrontation. You’re both on the same team, trying to improve your relationship together.
## Discussing the Real Issues Behind Phone Use
Sometimes excessive phone use is a symptom of a deeper issue. If your partner is constantly scrolling, they might be dealing with anxiety, depression, boredom, or stress. They might be using their phone as a way to escape from uncomfortable feelings or situations. Understanding what’s driving the phone use can help you address the real issue.
Ask your partner gently: “What do you think you’re
